Living with Teenage Adults - The Perils vs. The Benefits

When your kids grow up, as we did, the time comes for them to leave the nest. It feels daunting for us as parents and empowering for them, as budding adults. But there are times when they have to come home to us. In between relationships, job changes or financial difficulty. Sometimes it even happens while they're in transition between homes and after they've had their own children.

Learning to share space with what was, once, your baby angel, can feel so exciting! We get our kids back. We get to care for them, cook for them, spend days/evenings talking with them. What we don't think about is this: they've evolved into full-fledged adults, no matter the age, because they've been in the world, making their way. Despite the hardships they've endured, we are still a lifeline and sometimes their only choice.

The complication arises when you are now sharing your simplified space. You have probably sent a number of your items along with them for their journey. Kitchen supplies, furniture, blankets. Anything and everything you could've shared with them to help them set up home and hearth. Now it's all coming back home, along with an independent human who hasn't needed you for however long they've been gone. Ignoring your calls or texts to "check in" or say "Hi". Now - its like a princess/prince came home to roost but the Queen/King still reigns.

The Power struggle...

We have been adults for quite a while now. Some of us, longer than others. We know how to do the things. Cook, clean, eat, exercise, do laundry, etc. When our kids come home to us after a time away, despite how long they're gone, have formed habits around the daily living and all the tasks mentioned. Those habits aren't necessarily ones we taught them though. They already had their own vision formed early on. If they had chores they, very possibly, they hated it! UGH! And if they didn't get an allowance - forget it! We were the tyrant they had to live with. Thusly, it created feelings around chores. Maybe their first place was filthy because they don't have to clean it how you wanted or as often as you'd have had them do it. Guess what?! Now they get to come home to you with their adult habits and ideas.

We don't get to tell them what to do or when to do it. We have hit the "slippery slope" of parenthood to adult children. Now we have new challenges. We want our home tidy and asking them to do chores is out of the question. Their rooms start smelling like it did, devouring our dishes and bath towels. Smelling into the hallway of dirty socks or morning breath. And guess what else? They don't like the wallflower you put outside their room to negate their adult smells...

The dishes in the sink - not ours. The bathroom sink - toothpaste and hand soap film abound. Laundry backed up because they didn't move the wash over to the dryer. We now have roommates that not only know our tender spots to poke but have also, again, decided we can't tell them what to do now. And you got all the stuff back that you gave them with many extras.

So how do we navigate this? How do we express to them that they are still expected to care for the space they now get to share with us?

I can tell you, from my own experience, that mine don't like the "rules" anymore. Those dishes - if you leave them in the sink for them to wash, is an attack because "why would you wash yours and not mine??" forget principal - they're not wrong. That was catty and rude. But it does make the point - they need to clean up after themselves and we are roommates now. If your relationship is healthy, you can communicate with them and let them know where they need to improve. Again, in my experience, sometimes communication is difficult. Both my kids are very independent and have their own ideas about how to live...even in a shared space with me.

Living with my daughter is a challenge. She has seen me fall apart and helped me build myself back together. She's been through hell with me and has the scars to prove it. The dynamic is complex to say the least. She is wildly intelligent. She, at times, has led me to water when I needed to drink. Now, she has her own ideas and from time to time, I feel like I'm being parented instead of being the parent. I have raised a fierce, independent and emotionally dominant young woman. Occasionally, it turns on me and bites me in the ass.

When our children see us at our weakest, it is impossible for them to unsee it. It's like watching a scary movie and when they hear the imposing sound of the music that movie played, they brace for danger. Now they know and can identify our fractures. This begins a complex relationship with our kids. Underneath the surface of our parent/child relationship there is now sympathy or empathy, possibly a loss of respect and a slew of other facets that change how our kids view us. Now we travel a road of showing our kids how to rebuild. They have a responsibility to care for us as we have for them, only it is premature. And now they're living with us... again!

So how do we negotiate with them? Offering them a treat for dessert isn't an option. How do we gently direct them to showing the respect they would for an actual roommate? How do we maintain our parental relationship with them while cohabitating and not over-stepping? How will they receive direction from Mom/Dad without it sounding like we're still parenting an adult?

I can share this: communicate. Actively listen to them and show them what they feel and sharing your space with them is not only a gift but can be a successful, temporary solution. They can leave knowing they were cared for AND respected. Ask them to listen to you and really hear you. Reacting is not listening. Think of how you want them to speak to you and treat you and reflect that to them.

Look at them and marvel at the incredible human they have become. They have a job (or will), they are finished with school (graduated or not), they may have their own children (which I can't speak to). Forget their flaws (we have our very own to focus on and fix) and love them BECAUSE of who they are and where they are

We are never done being a parent. From the day they take their first breath, to the last that we breathe, we will always be the human that gave them life. If we had the opportunity to guide them into adulthood, hopefully we can guide them through it too. Be patient. Be kind. And show them that you will always show up to meet them where they are, not just as our children but as fellow adults who love and respect one another. Leading by example is the key.

It isn't hard and it's always rewarding.

Final Thought:

Remember - they choose your geriatric care.