Is it my boundaries you don't like, or is it just me?

Self-Reflection on our moods and interpersonal relationships is important when we want to stay pragmatic and open to our responsibilities.

Trying to share space with other people, family especially, can be so rewarding! And difficult... We have ideas about how things need to be and as we grow in our relationships and (hopefully) establish boundaries with the people we share our space with, we hit a stride or get "comfortable". Creating changes in the terms of the space shared can, often times, cause ripples.

If you're in a new relationship, for example, everything is rainbows and butterflies at first. Then, as time goes on, you begin to show your true self (not your highlight reel) to who you are now being intimate with. Your guard goes down and you test the waters. Leaving socks in the living room, empty candy wrappers on the end table and the great "oops" when a fart slips. "It was the dog" ha!

The facade falls away. You and your new person start sharing REAL conversations and spending more time together. It feels amazing still, but this is normally when red flags stop looking like a carnival and start poking you in the eye. It alerts you to the question: "is this MY person?". If you're really watching, you're seeing whether or not they fit your space and lifestyle and, likely now, you're overthinking. Stressful, huh?!

Imagine, things continue to progress and you move in together. Now comes the hard questions: Whose couch is staying? Which pans do you keep? Why do they leave things where they don't belong? Are we sharing expenses and utilities?

This can be where the trouble starts and boundaries you didn't know you had start being pushed against. Does it make you bitchy? Maybe. In my opinion, delivery is everything. Not the message. You can deliver the worst news to the least receptive person you know, and they will receive it openly, should you choose the right words. And here's my conundrum - Why do you NEED or DESIRE to deliver news so it's palatable? Why do you feel like you need to "soften the blow" as it is delivered? (honestly, the trouble was probably there all along, you were just not noticing it... Rose colored glasses and all). We have a hard time with boundaries! Well, most people anyway. No one really WANTS to be the asshole. Sometimes you need to though. Again, it's the delivery, not the message.

Let's be honest, people pleasing is something we are taught when we are small humans, learning to navigate this world and what we choose is how to follow these "rules" or if we rebel and just be the hammer-fisted gorilla that some people honestly deserve. Does this make YOU the problem or are people too sensitive? I suppose that's perspective. I choose kindness because it's my default setting. I'm typically a soft person who will word smith the shittiest of news, so it doesn't damage the fragile ears or psyche of the other human I'm sharing it with. Because I know how I would want to hear [fill in the blank].

There have been PLENTY of times, though, that someone has worn my patience thin and those people are my "safe" people. They, ironically, are the people who push me to be the beast that I suppress most of the time. Family, Parents, Significant other. Let's be real - family SHOULD be safe to say the hardest things to. If I told someone I was acquainted with, they were getting on my nerves, the same way I spoke to my "safe" people, they'd probably stop calling me and the word would spread, post haste.

Why do we do that? Do we intentionally push those closest to us the hardest or are we just taking advantage of them being "stuck" with us? Truth is, they AREN'T! Any one of them can tell us to pound sand at any moment and it would crush us to our core if they really meant it. More than if an acquaintance departed our lives, permanently.

So, are you and your boundaries the problem, or are they?

I follow a beautiful human on social media and so many times, she has relayed a story about her experiences. You know what she says? "I'm not nice". And I, both LOVE that message AND recoil at the thought. But the truth is:

You don't have to be nice when someone isn't honoring you. And if that dishonoring of your sacred body/mind is unhealthy, please believe me, you DON'T have to be nice. Protect yourself. Love yourself. And most importantly: Never let someone try to destroy your sovereignty. You belong here and you are deserving of love.

I have chosen to be "the asshole" in a number of situations, when the time was right and it has literally saved my life. Your instincts are never wrong, and your boundaries and "hard passes" are your right.

If you feel it necessary to be bitchy, I'd guess that you have repeatedly (more than once) asked for the thing and gotten nothing from this request. There is a time and place. If you have PMS or a shitty day, maybe it's better to go for a walk, spend a mindful moment and declutter your brain of the noise before you choose harsh words.

This life is short and we are living on an eternally rotating ball of dirt and water and with perpetual human complications. It's ok to be firm with your boundaries. It's ok to give some "tough love" to people who are disrespecting you. I only ask that you take that moment before your conversation and reassure yourself that you are honoring the other person in the same way you want to be honored. Situation dependent, obviously. Not everyone is out to get us and push against our feelings or boundaries. And if they are: you didn't choose that.

In fact, in closing, I will add this: The phrase "I own my part and I want you to own yours" - please ask yourself this: did you ask to be treated the way you're being treated? (Think: significant other yelling at you or damaging property in an argument) If the answer is "no" - YOU don't own their behavior, and you didn't ask to be treated poorly. I encourage you to find a safe space to let the situation de-escalate. And, IF, (and only IF) it is safe to have a conversation after tempers have flared, remind yourself that you did NOT ask to be treated the way you were treated.

You are beautiful, you are loved and your boundaries matter.

If you or someone you love is in an unsafe situation, please see the links below:

Donate to Mary's Place

Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline

New Beginnings – Ending domestic violence.